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Hello love,

We sure did go through a lot in our 13 months together. The courting stage, spending every moment together. You driving 30 minutes across town to spend a few hours with me, only to drive home and get a few hours sleep before you had to work. The unsure feeling if we should be together if I ever planned to go back home.

Meeting your daughter for the first time before she had her Bronchoscopy, finding the bleeding in her lungs. Moving and driving three days across country, only to find out she needed a heart transplant. Turning around and making the whole trip over again, back to the place we were fleeing from in the first place. Waiting for the pager to go off. It going off two weeks after her fifth birthday, and me having to calm you down, letting you know everything was going to be alright.

Her father leaving her, when she needed him the most. I tried hard to fill the void of her absentee father. Though, doing a pretty poor job of it, I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I can still remember very vividly sitting next to her in the hospital, stroking her hair and holding her hand. Not wanting to leave you alone there at night, but having to work to get us a place to live. Driving straight back after work to sleep with you on the small pull out bed, waking up every hour when the nurse came in.

Moving in to our small apartment and trying to make it our home. Walking home from work and looking to see if your car was here, so I would know if a beautiful smile and a warm hug were waiting for me. I still do that to this day. I am forced to walk past the place where we had our first date. I look in the window and imagine seeing you there, sipping your Chai latte. To shy to even look at me. I wish I could start all over again. I would certainly jump up and down when you arrived.

I think about the child we never had. I wonder what it would have been, a boy or a girl. What would we have named it. I also, remember the hurt I felt when you said “this is why I would never have your baby”. I never told you that I would have kept it if you wanted to. I knew that we were in no place to have a child. Not with one needing a heart transplant, us unsure where we would live. You not being able to work, so you could take care of her. You had to focus on that. I don’t blame you for not having the baby.

The fights we had were the worst. I loved (still love) you so much. Seeing you angry at me, knowing that it was me who caused it. It seemed that at times when you needed me to be there for you, I would fuck up most. I’m angry at myself for failing to change. I knew you needed me to, I knew if I could it would make things better. I don’t know why I didn’t. I do know that if I had a chance now that I would do anything to make it better. No sacrifice would be too much. If I could just feel you in my arms again. Stroke your hair, and pull out the hair pins while you fall asleep. Its trite to say, but you make me want to be a better man.

Through all the bad things we faced we certainly did have some wonderful times though. We made the best of every moment. The drive across country, getting thrown out of your “friend’s” basement to have the best night in a shitty hotel room complete with blood on the wall. Seeing your daughter take her first steps after her transplant to go to the play room.  In every bad situation there was always a shimmer of light just being with you.
When we broke up, I said it was because I saw what I was doing to you. The pain I was causing you and I wanted it to stop, because I loved you enough to do that. I can see now that I love you enough to do anything to stop that pain. Instead of letting you go I wish I could have stopped doing what I was doing so we could be together. Find the peace and serenity in our relationship. You holding me, is all I would need. I would be completely and totally honest with you. The only reason I withheld anything from my past is because I feared that you wouldn’t love me. I failed to realize that not being honest kept you from loving me fully.

Most of all, I’m really sorry about what I said when I called you after our relationship had ended. I called you that night having a panic attack because I knew that you were hanging out with another guy. Even though you maintained throughout our relationship that you never wanted to date him, I feared that you were just saying that. When you “ended” your friendship with him due to my uneasy feelings, I believed you didn’t like him that way. You were just very quick to be friends with him again after I said that I believed you and it must really mean you didn’t want him. I called crying, pouring my heart out to you, and when you wouldn’t be honest with me as to where you were, I felt betrayed. I know you were drunk and couldn’t come see me right then. It was your seemingly uncaring and lying about where you were that made think you were “with” him. So, after three hours waiting for you to show up, leaving the door unlocked while I slept. I awoke four hours later and felt like you cheated on me. I said horrible things, I wish, but know I can never take back.

You said that if it was truly about me loving you I would never be able to say those things to you. Well, it was LOVING you and feeling betrayed, feeling like you chose him over me after I poured my heart out for you, begging you to come back to me. That I said those things. Now all I hope to do is let you know that I really did love you, I still love you, and will always love you. Even if it means we can never be together.

Love, as always.



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